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Shoulder Devil (sketch)/Transcript
Jason: Dude, I don't know if I can do this, I've never stolen anything before. James: Dude, just act natural, it's easy. Jason: Yeah, I don't know. Matt: Poof! Jason: Who are you? Matt: I am your Shoulder Devil, Jason. Here, allow me to just climb upon...your shoulder. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. I envisioned this going differently. Maybe your friend could help me? Rise above the difficulties! Lift me in a dignifying manner! Woo! I'm very slick. Matt: Jason, thievery is fun. There are all kinds of things you can steal. Money, cars, dinner mints at fancy restaurants… James: Are you gonna do this, or what, man? That Bit-O-Honey ain't gonna steal itself. Matt: He's right, Jason. It's just a Bit-O-Honey. No one will even notice it's gone. Jason: Well, I guess one time won't hurt. Matt: It most certainly will- I mean, you're right. Jason: Got it. Matt: Well done. James: Nice man. Okay, next time, we should do something bigger, like a bike! Or a turkey! Matt: Yes. Your friend has the spirit of the- Did he say "a turkey"? Jason: Guys, I'm not stealing anymore, this was a one-time thing. James: Oh no, Jason, come on. It's easy- Oh hey, hey, that old lady just dropped a five-dollar bill. Go pick it up before she notices. Matt: Yes. Jason: Well, I don't- No, I'm not gonna steal from an old lady, that's messed up! Matt: Oh come on, those are the easiest people to steal from! I'll help you, Jason, just move towards the lucre. Matt: It's almost in reach. You have to want it! What's happening?! Oh! Sweet gluttony! Mallory: Oh here, here. Let me help you. Oh, my dear boy. Did you fall while trying to return this money to me? How refreshingly honest! Here, you keep it, but remember: "Virtue is its own reward." Matt: Who was that? The female Gandhi? Jason: Wow, being honest has its benefits. Matt: What? No! Jason, it was a fluke! That kind of thing doesn't even happen in Canada! Whitney: Hey! I saw what you did for that old lady. That was really sweet of you. So here's my number, so call me… perhaps. Matt: That's just not fair. Jason, I don't want you calling her, she's far too righteous. Give me the number! Jason: But no, you can't make me do anything. Matt: You're right, Jason, I can't. Give it to me! Where is it?! Where is the number?! I must have! Is this Bit-O-Honey? Delicious! James: I don't know, Jason, maybe you're right about that honesty stuff. Matt: No! Move to James. Shimmy. You are mine, James, you are mine. Ah! James: What? Matt: Behold the awesome power of temptation! Jason: You know what? I'm starting to feel warm and fuzzy inside. Let's go pay for that candy. James: Yeah, me too. Matt: What? No! Boys, you just need to become more calloused. Quick, kill that dog! Jason: What? No, we're not gonna kill a dog! That's messed up, man! Let's go pay for that candy, and move to Canada. James: Yeah. Matt: Fine, I'm sure there's someone else I can persuade… Hello, grandma. Mallory: Get behind me, Shoulder Devil. Category:Season 1